Friend or Foe

I’ve been going to Suboxone clinic for almost a year now. At first I was skeptical and didn’t know what to expect. It actually turned out to be a very good place to get help. I enjoyed it so much that I’m invited my best friend, to at least give it a try, because she is an addict herself. But her drug of choice has always been either psychedelics or methamphetamine. She’s also an IV user like I, myself used to be. Her first 2 weeks she worked hard at trying the sobriety thing. She even laid the needle down and stopped cold with that. Not using per say but being an IV user, she did great. I was so proud of her and bragged on her over and over again. So when she did relapse, she really didn’t want to tell me. I knew though. She wanted to know how I knew, it’s something you just know when your close to someone. They don’t have to tell you a thing. You just know when you see them, by certain ticks they have, that you pick up on or notice right away that they themselves don’t they are showing. We grew to be inseparable and every body that met us knew they had their own hands full with one of us by ourselves let alone when the two of us were together. We were loud, silly and loved to laugh. Love to make others laugh and feel good when we’re around them as well.

Only after a few months had gone by did I start to realize she had a little pattern she started creating for herself, she didn’t realize I too had noticed or caught on. Every person she said she was friends with, she kept separate from one another. Not allowing this friends to speak with or hang with another friend unless either she knew about it ahead of time, or she herself gave permission for the two to hang out with one another. Weird? It gets weirder.

After group the following week, she offers another client a ride. This client becomes out proverbial down fall, and the initial cause (by her doing, not theirs) of the end of our beautiful, what I once considered it to be, friendship. Why? They became a new plug that she deemed and made it nessesary to be known to me, that I needed to ask permission through her, before I could even speak to them again. Why? Remember our drugs of choice are way different. I’m a downer chick and she’s an upper kind of chick. I was getting Xanax, her amphetamine. The last week we hung out, I was outside the clinic waiting for her to finish up inside so she could take me to get my meds and drop me at home. She tells me she had treats for me with her. Of course I was like, okay. Yay! It wasn’t a treat for me at all. She cuts out a line and says half of it’s mine the other hers, because it’s very strong. I’m thinking yes ok sure. I do my half a accidently snort part of hers only for her tell me to go ahead and finish it. Well needless to say it makes me sicker than a dog. I also had my dose that day so I knew that crap had been cut with Fentynal. It was the only thing that made sense as to why it made me so sick. It was that day that changed her out look on me and it so called friendship. I was greedy, didn’t listen, and was out for myself. I looked at her questioningly line WTF are you taking about greedy? This coming from someone who got a bag of dope from me everyday for almost a month when we first started hanging with each other, for free at that, because being awake all the damn time isn’t my choice, or no where near the top of the lists of favorite things I like to do all the time. I love food and I love sleep. And they both go good together to let me tell ya.

But because I was trying to hurry and do that lil part of my line, because we were still in the freaking parking lot of the clinic, that I accidentally did a lil of her half, that I was a greedy person, and I got sick because I was being greedy. No bitch I got sick because that shit was cut with Fentynal.

That was all the momentum and excuse enough for her to start pulling herself away from me. Blaming me taking a Xanax every now and then was the real reason why she even told me I needed to ask her first before I contacted this common friend. The entire time she’s lecturing me mind you she’s digging and searching for a vein to hit. While saying this to me. I didn’t point out the obvious. It should of been transparent frfr. She was using my drug of choice as an excuse to say she was worried about me and that was the only reason she was being the way she was. I’m guilty as hell I’ll admit. But don’t be hypocritical the way your being and going about it trying to pass it off as you being worried for me. It was all about her and keeping this “friend” who is really her new plug, all to herself.

So when she made that comment about wanting me to relapse on heroin. That’s all I needed to separate myself from her. I didn’t need to ask questions or ask anyone if that’s the right choice. I know in my heart it is. But because I care about her and I have feelings for her I wanted to know why she could allow herself to say something out the way like that. If she were my real friend she’d of never thought it much less said it out loud to me.

It was sick. Twisted. And played right into her hand.

Then 2wks ago we spoke again. She told me her and her old best friend got into a physical fight and there was blood everywhere. Well, for some reason I found myself with this friends phone number and I told her what’s been going on between she and I and I told her I heard about the 2 of them getting into it and Panda having to have to hit her. When I tell you this woman about died laughing, having no clue what I was talking about, she told me in the 20+ years they’ve known each other, Panda has never so much as even laid a finger on her.

WHAT?!?!

WTF is this chick thinking spouting such random ass lies as this one, from her mouth. About ppl she supposedly cares so much about. A narcissist is what she is and all she’ll ever be. Sad to because she’s a very smart woman with many talents. I miss her frfr. But I miss the real her not the idea of her. I miss the her she was when her friends seemed to matter to her the most, not the drugs.

Why can’t I have a real friendship with someone without the involvement of drugs always being at the top of the list??

Do I just attract this shirt of shit? WTF??

Seriously seeking answers I may never know the whole truth too.

Friend or Foe?

I think I’ll stick with tough love. And loving from a distance. While keeping my sobriety and sanity intact. I don’t know about you guys, but I need a vacation.

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